Sticky strands of hair
clinging to the nape of my neck as I watch
clinging to the nape of my neck as I watch
The golden glow of afternoon seeping like nectar
I smell of dirt and pine trees and bubble gum and smoke.
We sit, my friend and I,
Long browned legs dangling off the edge of the rough rope
Of the hammock.
She says something and I laugh and the gum slides, abruptly
Brisk and businesslike, into the back of my throat.
Shocked, I motion, I motion, it’s stuck, my eyes shout
The seconds are stretched and time is oozing
Like that painting by Dali with the melting clocks.
My friend is shouting but it is distant and she is blurry.
And I taste salt
But I don’t know if it’s sweat or tears or both.
She grabs me jabs my stomach her fists thrust
once
and the rubbery pink wad
Goes on its first solo flight
Up and out of my mouth and I gasp
And the air floods my lungs and I cry and laugh
With my friend who is crying and laughing
Sticky strands of hair clinging
to the nape of my neck as I watch
to the nape of my neck as I watch
The golden glow of afternoon seeping like nectar
I smell of dirt and pine trees and bubble gum and smoke.
This is a promising start to the class because I can see you experimenting with the tricks and tropes of poetry and making it work in places.
ReplyDeleteFor example, I see you using line breaks, in particular, enjambment, to create the effect of speed in this section:
ists thrust
once
and the rubbery pink wad
Goes on its first solo flight
Up and out of my mouth and I gasp
And the air floods my lungs and I cry and laugh
You evoke a genuine sense of action and of hastened time in the lines above, which makes perfect sense, given what is being described.
I also see you using circular structure for a reason: to evoke the sense of the world going back to normal after a traumatic incident. Your poem ends in the way in begins, creating the effective of a return to normality after choking.
I do think you could improve some things. For example, this poems keeps starting. It seems to have a number of intro-type lines, giving the feel that your wheels are spinning a bit trying to get started. There is a bit too much scene-setting in this poem. Perhaps some adjectives and adverbs could be cut. There are other things, but let's keep in simple for now.
This is a good start to the class. Nice work.
Hi Meira!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the descriptions in your poem, especially "seeping like nectar" and "brisk and businesslike." I really got the sense of what you were trying to describe. I didn't totally understand why your stomach was hurting from chewing the gum. Were you hungry? And to be honest, the introductory lines and the title made me originally think that you were sky diving! That being said, the amazing descriptive language ( "time oozing" and "she is blurry") made this a wonderful read!
I like the playful tone of this poem. It's about something intense and dramatic, choking on gum, but by making the gum's first "solo flight" the title and main focus and by using language playfully with repetition, assonance, consonance and alliteration you turn it into a carefree poem about a summer day with a friend. I also really like how you repeat the beginning of the poem at the end, so that the gum episode becomes a climax, but then the day resumes its normalcy after the episode is over.
ReplyDeleteI love the sound of the poem and how the speaker re tells a humorous incident so beautifully. I like the Dali reference, the gum having it's first solo flight, and the repetition of the first few lines at the end of the poem. The poem has a feel-good quality to it and does a good job of imagery with the hammock and the brown legs.
ReplyDeleteWow I really loved this! In the begining I just loved how descriptive you were. Then once I understood its about you chocking and someone saving you I was in awe because you were able to portray such a simple scene in such an amazing way with alot of imagery and even the feeling of positivity at the end of such a scary scene.
ReplyDeleteI think this is one of my favorite poems that I have read so far! You really have a talent for matching up the words/line breakages of the poem with the story you are telling. I saw this especially in the line "She grabs me jabs my stomach her fists thrust." This line really captures the urgency of the moment and how fast the events are happening.
ReplyDeleteI really like this poem. Right before the "rubbery pink wad
ReplyDeleteGoes on its first solo flight" I could feel that scary moment experienced by the speaker and her friend. I liked how you started by describing the day and then using repition to describe the day the same way at the end of the poem. I think that this perfectly assures the reader that the speaker is OK and everything is back to normal.
I love how you connect the beginning lines back at the end. It brings the reader back into that relaxing picture that you opened up with. The title is quite clever-as i was reading i was kind of confused by it because it didn't seem relevant but then i smiled when i got to the line where it was used. I would love feel more fear shown at the part where the girl is choking, i feel like the way it is now is not as strong as it could be.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part is the wad of gum being described as "brisk and businesslike". I like the moments of humor in the story. The panic you describe when choking seems to be accurate in it's confusion and I feel involved in the story. Good job!
ReplyDeleteA note for improvement: I am a fan of line breaks and think they always help the representation of the poem visually as well as telling the story in parts.
I can completely see the chronology of events in this poem, which is not always easy to achieve. I like how you described the journey of the gum, "businesslike". I felt apprehension as I read this poem, hoping there would be a positive outcome. I loved this comparison-"Like that painting by Dali with the melting clocks." Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis poem was able to take the reader through many emotions in such short time. First serenity then anxiety and suspense, relief and humor. My favorite line is "and the rubbery pink wad Goes on its first solo flight". In such a tense moment this was a bit of humor for the reader, almost foreshadowing that everything will be alright.
ReplyDelete