The still-life watercolor: seeping toffee
Afternoon. Sun dripping through limpid lace
Conversation frozen over coffee
Drifting shadows dance across your face.
The past now—a foreign country to me
Details hazy and your features a blur
But lingering: a stubborn marquee
But lingering: a stubborn marquee
of words—velvety, venomous liqueur.
Not now not now. A tremulous smile burns.
Why do the frantic dervishes return?
Creating strong, vivid images is definitely your forte in poetry. Through the speaker's descriptive words, I actually felt like I could see and taste(yes, taste) some of the images. Some of my favorites include "seeping toffee afternoon", "conversation frozen over coffee", and "velvety, venomous liqueur." I think that the process of remembering was captured perfectly through the images in this poem; the memories may be hazy, but the feelings are still there. I actually had to look up what "dervishes" meant, and I think the reference works so well in the poem!
ReplyDeleteI suggest that you don't end the poem with a question because it just feels too open-ended to me. I also feel like the poem was a bit short, so I recommend adding more so that the incredible images you have already produced can develop even more. - Abigail Adler
Creating strong, vivid images is definitely your forte in poetry. Through the speaker's descriptive words, I actually felt like I could see and taste(yes, taste) some of the images. Some of my favorites include "seeping toffee afternoon", "conversation frozen over coffee", and "velvety, venomous liqueur." I think that the process of remembering was captured perfectly through the images in this poem; the memories may be hazy, but the feelings are still there. I actually had to look up what "dervishes" meant, and I think the reference works so well in the poem!
ReplyDeleteI suggest that you don't end the poem with a question because it just feels too open-ended to me. I also feel like the poem was a bit short, so I recommend adding more so that the incredible images you have already produced can develop even more. - Abigail Adler
I felt a little confused about what exactly is being remembered in this poem. I feel like it might be explained in the last line but I am not sure. I think you did a good job of explaining details and it fits the sonnet form well. I especially liked the line “velvety, venomous liqueur.” I think though that this imagery would work better if it were longer than a sonnet.
ReplyDeleteThe speaker does an amazing job with description. I could feel, taste, and see all that the speaker described. I especially liked the line “the still-life watercolor: seeping toffee afternoon.” However, I have no idea what the speaker is remembering.
ReplyDeleteThe speaker does an amazing job with description. I could feel, taste, and see all that the speaker described. I especially liked the line “the still-life watercolor: seeping toffee afternoon.” However, I have no idea what the speaker is remembering.
ReplyDeleteYour descriptive language is amazing!
ReplyDeleteIt was amazing back at the sister poem and honestly keeps getting better and better.
I think you did amazing, amazing job at expressing every sense to indicate that the speaker is remembering something.
Constructively, it is kind of a daze and I have a feeling that the speaker is remembering someone that maybe they used to love but I wish you could just give some indication as to what the speaker is missing and why it is so important!
Amazing, amazing, amazing job!
The first stanza is an awesome awesome image. You used such few words to create such power. Go Meira!! My favorite is "velvety, venomous, liquor". This description has so much weight. Perhaps a seducer, tempting but unfaithful, definitely a person of character. This specific and new-fashion way to describe the situation turned out to be actually very relatable. I am honestly trying to find a critique but I really do like it too much.
ReplyDeleteI really like your rhymes and the image of conversation frozen over coffee is beautitiful and original. One concern as this is meant to be a sonnet is that a few of your lines are not quite ten syllables. I would go over it again and make sure you have the right number.
ReplyDeleteHi! I really liked how your poem created a great image! The overall feeling of the poem reminds me of a slow moving liquid which was a very interesting image. This poem could be taken to the next level by perfecting the meter and maybe adding another stanza. For example, the first line has an extra syllable and the fourth line is missing a syllable.
ReplyDeleteNice work on this sonnet. I like seeing you use enjambment here, which few others in class tried for their formal poems. This can help break up the simple rhythms.
ReplyDeleteYour rhymes are interesting, as is your diction. The poem is vivid in terms of imagery and word choice. Nice work on these levels of the poem.
Your rhymes are on task for a sonnet, but your meter could use more work. Some of your lines are already in perfect meter, such as these lines:
Drifting shadows dance across your face.
Why do the frantic dervishes return?
Other lines are close enough that the inferred rhythm carries the poem along. These lines are close enough to pentameter that the poem absorbs them well:
Conversation frozen over coffee
Not now not now. A tremulous smile burns
The words "coffee" and "toffee" are not iambs. They follow a stressed, then unstressed pattern (trochee). So it's nearly impossible to use these as end words in a sonnet, as you do here in lines one and three.
In other lines, the problems are in the middle, so they will be easier to edit without changing the rhyme scheme.
I hope these comments help you to revise the poem closer to a traditional sonnet. I'm looking forward to our meeting.
Sorry, part of my comment was confusing. I think you actually get away with ending with the word "coffee" in line three, since the other four feet in the line are iambs.
DeleteAs always your word choice in this poem is excellent. I had to look a few words up but the sophistication contributed to the tone of the poem. My favorite line was "Conversation frozen over coffee". It told the story of an important conversation happening in a stereotypical setting. While the words had a beautiful rhythm I'm not sure what the message was. Was the speaker trying to recall or forget this other person?
ReplyDelete