I once heard a song (I think it was by Jerry Cole)
There’s a dream for every window in the city, he sang.
Every lit-up window a different story. seven-million
people experiencing
the same day
in a different way.
If every window in the city has a dream (and I have a window)
What’s my dream?
My eyes linger, peering through my own
Outside is pale gray, a chilly mist settling
(condensation clinging to the window-pane)
and fingers of pale light climbing up the sky.
only until this coffee is finished (it is black
coffee growing slowly cold) will I get up,
rejecting the sofa’s embrace, and leave.
I lift the smooth ceramic to my trembling
mouth. (trembling from weariness or caffeine?)
I’m not sure, anymore.
If every window in the city has a dream (and I have a window)
What’s my dream?
I really enjoyed this poem. This poem has great rhythm and it tells a great story! This poem is really inspiring. I love the phrase "I lift the smooth ceramic to my trembling mouth" it does a great job of showing and not telling. One thing I would recommend is MORE. In my opinion, this poem ended too soon. I want to get inside the subject's head and hear some of the subject's dreams. Overall, great job!!
ReplyDeleteThis poem is beautiful like all your other ones!
ReplyDeleteI loved the images that were in your video and you descriptive and awesome word choice such as in "chilly mist setting". The structure you used was also awesome (where you used parenthesis).
I also liked how the poem (especially in beginning) feels like its a natural conversation.
I really like the way the music and video aligns with the meaning of the poem. Your voice is steady and the words are well preformed. One idea to make the poem more active and in the moment would be to change the words that end in "ing" to be more active (I get up, reject the sofa's). The images you use, especially the specific detail that the coffee is black and then the video of black coffee is very effective.
ReplyDeleteGreat video! Did you film this yourself?
ReplyDeleteI really like your refrain and your direct reference to the singer who inspired the idea.
One critique (though it might just be a reflection of my own ignorance) is that I did not really understand the relationship between the coffee/ sitting on the sofa to the speaker's question about her dream. What is her dream, or how is the answer to that question reflected in the latter part of the poem? Maybe lengthening this poem could help you elaborate to make this poem have more literal meaning (if you want it to be understood!). Great job though!!!