Snow covered shoulders
Impulsive giddy embrace
liquid gold in glass
Steal a smoky kiss
luxury; hysteria
Brilliant flash, satin
Mad and whirling lights
Lipstick on his white collar
Maybe a cliche
Dour orchestra plays
dapper men inseminate
brusquely, placid sheep
Night starlit mists roll
beguilingly, quicksands ringing
formlessly, fiercely.
Dour orchestra plays
dapper men inseminate
brusquely, placid sheep
Night starlit mists roll
beguilingly, quicksands ringing
formlessly, fiercely.
I really like the music of these tiny poems, but I don't see the cutting word/contradiction/shift thing and I'm confused about the structure of he middle one -- the last line seems to be 7 syllables when it should be five. I do like that your middle line in that poem is composed of only two words, though, as usually it takes more words to create that meany syllables
ReplyDeleteThanks! Corrected :)
DeleteIt felt like I was seeing these rich images in flashes since they were depicted in such a short amount of space. The lines I found to be the strongest were "tumbling liquid gold", "brilliant flash, satin", and "maybe a cliche." They really added to the glamorous feel of these haikus. One suggestion: Change the "madly" adverb in the last stanza- perhaps "mad and whirling lights" instead? Obviously your call though. Loved these flashy, exciting haikus overall!
ReplyDeleteI really liked how simply these poems are and how they fit together to paint a picture of a New Year’s Eve party. your last line “maybe a cliche” I think fits so perfectly with that Haiku as well as all three of the haikus together. The picture fits with the poems well but I think that your description is great and you would not have needed the picture to help your description.
ReplyDeleteThese images are super powerful, and I like the use of the word "satin" to convey glamour. I also appreciate the last line, because it's funny that you acknowledge that within the haikus and it almost makes the poems less cliche and tells the reader that you understand that it could be seen as cliche. I also like how by the extravagance you sort of showed that it was excessive and frivolous, complete with the rhinestones on the lipstick case in the image. Great cohesiveness.
ReplyDeleteGreat Job! Not only was your descriptive imagery amazing, I think the picture was an amazing way to bring it all together.
ReplyDeleteAlso the words you used such as "luxury" and "liquid gold" were put together so well and again blend well with the picture that also reminds me of those words.
only recommendation is perhaps adding anthing that give it more of a feel of what season it is or about nature.
awesome job!
Here we have three haiku that follow some of the traditional rules. You employ the syllabic count, and in places you employ the "cut," but you chose not to offer a seasonal reference.
ReplyDeleteThe "cut"--juxtaposing two gestures in a way that create a little burst of insight--is by far the most clear in the last poem, where the last line totally reframes the romance of what precedes it. The poem does have a clear and evokative image with the lipstick on the collar. This is my favorite of the bunch.
The first one sort of has a cut, but it is pretty abstract and hard to relate to until I've read further on and understand the context of the three poems. I sense the cut between the second and third lines, but I'm not clear about "liquid gold," so it remains elusive for me.
The second poem is more clear, but it lacks all the haiku elements except the syllable count. Maybe write some more and see where they take you?